I didn’t intend to post this story as the second post in the series but I realised that there was no better time for this post than today and at this time of the night.
Wishing the girl who used to sit behind me in Economics class Ms Clarissa Herliani Tanoesoedibjo a most awesome HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I hope you can accept this story as a little gift from me as a reminder of the amazing person you are! (=D)
I could not remember the last time I went to the Grand Hyatt in the heart of the city. I didn’t recall there being a place called Burgundy Bar and little did I think or know that it was actually a bar. In fact, it was a club.
I had little reason to think that it was a club because Burgundy Bar was where Marcia Julia’s Sweet Sixteen was taking place. It was one of my first few parties. The morning of the event, I was still unsure of whether I would go or not. I did not have any transport arrangements to get there and I wondered if my presence would be of any benefit to anyone there. It seemed to me that the only reason as to why I was invited was most likely political. It turned out to be a good enough reason to go when a good friend, Jethro Benson, offered me a ride there and back.
We got to Burgundy Bar and then I learnt that how it was actually a bar which Marcia had booked for her “private event” as it said on a sign in front of the entrance. After walking in to a red carpet, I awkwardly settled in on the side of a seat and it wasn’t long before my awkwardness stood out and the MC pulled me over to deliver a birthday wish to Marcia, only to be cut off before I even got to the “Happy Birthday” part. For a very long time that night, I tailed Jethro as to have someone to actually be with. The whole time we ate dinner, the question “Why do I feel so out of place?” kept running through my mind. Why did I feel so awkward when this isn’t my first party and I wasn’t even this awkward at my first party? Why did I feel alone? Why did I feel like someone so desperate for even an acquaintance that I was tailing this person who was probably annoyed with me by then?
I felt uneasy with myself the whole night and I could not even explain to myself why I felt that way. I knew that my uneasiness was showing because I know that I’m not good at keeping my emotions to myself. I knew that other people probably felt uneasy just looking at me. I knew that my presence would only be a burden to other people, just like the initial excuse I had not to go to this party.
I started to think of how I wasn’t a good friend. I only wanted to be a good friend to my peers but I was fully aware that I could not become one overnight. If I wanted to stop being a burden at least that night, I had to withdraw myself.
Dance floor time. Not my first time, but a different time because this time, I would have to force myself to withdraw myself. So as the first songs of the night played, I stood by the side of the dance floor observing the scene. I would have left but I had to wait for my ride home. I watched with a fake smile. It was not a smile which I put on for everyone else but rather for myself. In my brown sketcher shoes, I stood there and looked at faces intently as my form of entertainment. What else was I to do?
But after a while, I began to feel like my self-control was slipping away. Although I tried to lock my hands by folding my arms, I noticed how I had been subconsciously tapping my feet on the ground to the fist-pumping beat of House music. I know very well that sometimes I can be very, very selfish and that my ego might overpower my good intentions. I was about to jump into the dance floor and ruin everyone’s night.
I knew that I had to figure out a way to lock my legs and then maybe even my ears as well. There was a tall seat behind me. It was time to sit down.
But just as I was about to sit down, a number of peers approached me. Among them were Hubert, Dustin, Nathania and Edward. They didn’t even ask me why I was sitting out. They encouraged me to join them. I said no. But why, they asked. What excuse was I to make up in a matter of thousandths of seconds?
“Next time” I said, “not tonight”.
They rejoined the dance floor, very disappointed.
My ego told me to stand up again and tap my feet on the ground, which I did do.
The DJ plays We Found Love. I’m still standing on the side tapping my feet. Suddenly, without words or questions, I feel an arm pulling mine: a pull so strong I could not resist. I was pulled into the centre of the dance floor. In the shocked state that I was in, I stood there with a blank face and hands in the air surrounding me. Who pulled me in? But more importantly, why?
In front of me turns around a very youthful lady. With her right arm still holding on to my right arm, Clarissa Herliani Tanoesoedibjo raises both our arms and screams “come on” to me just loud enough to overpower We Found Love. Then she lets go and goes her own way.
My ego runs wild for a second and for the next few moments, I felt content until I felt an imaginary slap on the face which began the setting in of guilt: guilt that I did lose control and ruin everyone’s night. I hurried my way out of the dance floor and stood by the side again, this time on the tiny space surrounded by the dance floor, the stage and the DJ’s station, still tapping my feet.
The song changes to Just One Last Time. I’m still looking intently into the blurred vision of the dance floor. I look at Clarissa, wondering why she pulled me in, hoping that looking, at least, at her back would help me discover the answer. Then, she turns around to the beat of the music. But then, as she spins her head around, she notices me at a distance from her and so she turns back to look right at me. Immediately, she haggles through the crowd and approaches me again and then asks me my favourite question: “Are you alright?”. Without waiting for an answer, she pulls me back on the dance floor with both arms and keeps a good eye on me while encouraging me to let go of the uneasy feeling that was evident in my face and just enjoy.
At that point, I began to feel guilty for a different reason, but still equally sickening. I realised how it was actually my feeling uneasy and my holding on the load I had been carrying all night that bothered people. People wanted me to join them on the dance floor. They wanted to share the fun with me because it’s not fun to know that while you’re enjoying yourself, someone else is sad on the sidelines.
In my efforts to not make a mistake that night, I made the biggest mistake I could ever make: resisting belonging. I felt so sick with myself that the “all-or-nothing” trait of mine decided to punish myself once again by sitting out for good, far away in the couches furthest away from the dance floor. As Clarissa still kept a good eye on me, I told her “next time, I promise” and left the dance floor.
That night, Clarissa made me realise many things about belonging. I learnt that fun only ever exists if it is two ways. I learnt that friendship only ever exists if it is two ways. You cannot be someone’s friend and not let that person be your friend. There is no such thing as a one-sided friendship; we call those sok kenal sok deket, like your relationship with your favourite pop star.
I realised how my not belonging was bothering others. By not belonging, I was actually taking away others’ sense of belonging because for people who genuinely believe that belonging is important, nobody can get left behind, no matter who they are or even how bad they are. It didn’t even matter to her that I was merely her Economics classmate. Clarissa knew I was there and wanted me to feel a sense of belonging to the community.
As I sat in that far away couch overlooking the iconic Patung Selamat Datang, I contemplated over the mistake I had made that night and punished myself with a panoramic view of the dance floor I wished I was enjoying myself on. I saw Marcia walk off the dance floor to grab a glass of water. As she takes in her first gulp, she coincidentally turns her head towards me and sees me in the distance. With the glass still in her mouth, her eye brows move to a frown, and in her eyes, I could see both disappointment and sadness.
Now you may think that this story is a story about not belonging, which is very much true. However, I can only tell you that that night, in the midst of my feeling a sense of not belonging, I actually discovered my sense of belonging to the community of my peers because they showed me how much they wanted me to belong and that it was my turn to just stop resisting belonging. It seemed as if the DJ knew what I needed because that night, I found love in a hopeless place. I discovered the love of my peers towards me and I was resisting it.
A few months later, on 24 November 2012, I saw myself running up the stairs of the Grand Hyatt Hotel with Calvin and Regie after Clarissa’s Sweet Sixteen. We were running towards Burgundy Bar to catch up with Clarissa and a few other friends. We were there to meet Far East Movement who had just performed at the main party. I walked into the place with a vision of Marcia Julia’s Sweet Sixteen in my mind, but I forgot that this time it wasn’t booked for a private event. I walked in there while it was open to the public. I walked passed a smoking woman and a pop-corn munching man to sit on the burgundy coloured couch I once sat on. This time, I sat there with other people: Clarissa, Calvin, Regie, Dustin, Nathan and Edwin, Vanessa just to name a few. As we waited for Far East Movement, I sat there staring in the same direction as I once did, reminding myself of how I could ever be with those people at that time. Although in my sight was a completely different Burgundy Bar, I was reminded of an important lesson I learnt in that place: that love and friendship is two ways. Love and friendship is something that can only be shared together.